It is not enough to listen, you must show that you are listening - you must attend to the communicator. Attending is the skill of showing your availability to the communicator. Attending is primarily a non-verbal skill - you SHOW your attention.
Professor Gerard Egan gives five key behaviours for attending:
- Sit face to face
- Use an open body posture
- Lean toward the speaker
- Maintain comfortable eye contact
- Keep your posture relaxed
Egan writes primarily for counsellors and consultants but his studies and findings are of much wider appeal and application.
Face to Face. The fact that most of our communication is non-verbal emphasises the importance of the face to face aspect of attending. Face to face, I make myself available to you; face to face I am less likely to be distracted; face to face I will pick up more of your unspoken messages.
Open Body Posture. We've already mentioned some of the non-verbal body language messages. When attending to a speaker we should show our openness to their attempts to communicate in our body posture - so uncross your ankles and knees, unfold your arms, unclasp your hands and unclench your fists. These are all open postures and will be positively, even if sub-consciously, received by the communicator.
Lean Toward the Speaker. This gives a very strong positive message, as though you were straining to hear, anxious to catch every word. The inclination may be quite delicate - head only or head and shoulders, but as the exchange continues, more prominent leaning can be a very powerful encouragement. However, too strong an inclination too early can be misread as aggression, so care is needed.
Maintain Comfortable Eye Contact. The eyes have been described as the windows of the soul. In Western cultures eye contact in communication is regarded positively - it is regarded as a signal of openness, honesty and trust. This does not mean that we stare unblinkingly into the face of the speaker - staring is not acceptable in Western cultures. So the eye contact should be comfortable and be established naturally.
Relaxed Posture. Standing or sitting, if we are tense this will communicate itself through our general posture. It is important to be alert and relaxed.