Styles of Communication

Dr Eric Berne developed the concept of Transactional Analysis which is one framework among many for understanding, albeit in a limited way, the behaviour and personality of people as observed in their interpersonal communications. Berne's work is set out in the helpful booklet "A Tool for Christians'' by J C Morrison.

Berne describes three ‘ego states’ - Parent, Adult and Child. Each person is a blend of the three and from time to time each will dominate the individual and influence their communication.

It is important to realise that these terms are to some extent specialised and do not just mean what normal usage implies; they are states of being, psychological realities, not roles which people adopt, as if they were a parent, adult or child.

Observation of people shows that the three states exist in all people. It is as if in each person there is the same little person that was there when he was three years old. There is also within him his own parents. These are recordings in the brain of actual experiences of internal and external events, the most significant of which happened during the first five years of life. There is a third state, different from these two, which begins to emerge at 10 months, and is concerned with reality testing, probability estimating, and updating and validating Parent data. This is the Adult state.

Having begun to develop a language we come to the main reason for doing so: using it to analyse what’s going on between people. The purpose of the analysis is to discover which part of each person is originating each section of the interchange.

There are many clues to help identify Parent, Adult or Child states:

Parent clues:
 Physical - Furrowed brow, pursed lips, the ‘horrified’ look, foot-tapping, hands on hip, arms folded across chest, wringing hands, tongue- clucking, sighing, patting another on the head. And many more, depending upon what one’s own parents did which was idiosyncratic.
 Verbal - “I am going to put a stop to this once and for all.” “I can’t for the life of me....”. “Now always remember ....” “How many times have I told your?” “If I were you.......”
Child clues:
 Physical - Since the Child’s earliest responses to the external world were non-verbal the most readily apparent Child clues are seen in childish expressions: quivering lip, temper, shrugging shoulders, delight.
 Verbal - Many words identify the Child: I wish, I want, I dunno, I don’t care, bigger, biggest, better, best.

Adult clues:
 Physical - The Adult face is straightforward. Listening with the Adult is identified by continual movement - of the face, the eyes, the body.
 Verbal - The basic vocabulary of the Adult consists of why, what, where, when, who and how.

With these clues to help, we can begin to identify Parent, Adult and Child in interchanges involving ourselves and others.

There are three main communication patterns:

 Complementary - in which adult speaks to adult
 Crossed - in which parent speaks to parent and the response is child to parent
 Ulterior - in which the words imply one pattern, but the real message is on another track.

Complementary Transactions

Parent - Parent Transaction

Person A: “The company isn't what it was.”
Person B: “You can say that again!”
Person A: “Have you actually seen any re-organisation work out in practice?”
Person B: “Never.”
Person A: “When will they ever learn?”
Person B: “Don't know. Seems built-in.”

Adult – Adult Transaction

Person A: “Do we have to go on submitting this month end return to the Secretary?”
Person B: “I'm not sure, what was its purpose, do you remember?”
Person A: “Yes, to keep the last pastor informed of attendance figures against target on a monthly basis.”
Person B: “Let's ask this new man if he wants them as well.
Person A: “Right.”

Child – Child Transaction

Person A: “Well, I'm just going to refuse to do it!”
Person B: “I feel like handing in my resignation and in front of you know who!”
Person A: “That would show him.”
Person B: “Wouldn't it be lovely to see his face!”

Parent – Child Transaction

Person A: “Well, you'll do it because I say so.”
Person B: “Yes boss.”
Person A: “Any questions?”
Person B: “Well, er I thought.........”
Person A: “Good we can get on then.

Crossed Transactions

Husband : “Darling, where are my cuff links?”
Wife : “Where you left them!”

Person A: “There are a few mistakes in this report.”
Person B: “Could you do better?”

Person A: “I'll have to finish this report tonight for the PCC.”
Person B: “Why do you always leave things to the last minute?”

Ulterior Transactions

Person A: “Would our friend like to explain his actions to the meeting?” Person B: “Certainly...er I...er was only trying to er... support the young people.”

The implications of the above are more as follows:
Person A: “I don't approve of what you did and I want to expose you.”
Person B: “I feel unsure, scared and needing to be cared for.”

Ideally, we should be striving to ensure that our communications are adult to adult. Nevertheless this is difficult because often people will want to relate to us as child/parent - particularly if we are in a caring role. It is also difficult because at times we want to be in the child or parent ego state.

On the next page you will find a questionnaire which will help you identify your personal ego state balance.

This questionnaire helps you identify your Parent/Adult/Child Profile. There is no time limit to this questionnaire. It will probably take 10 to 15 minutes. The more spontaneous and honest you can be the more accurate the results probably will be.

Instructions
If you agree more than you disagree with a statement, mark a plus (+) by the number.
If you disagree more than you agree, mark a minus (-). Be sure to place either a plus mark or a minus mark to the left of each number.

1. Teenagers would be better off if they tried harder to understand and utilise the experience of older persons.
2. I enjoy fast driving.
3. Generally I manage to keep a calm appearance even though I am all upset inside.
4. There are too few people nowadays with enough courage to stand up for what is right.
5. Persons who tend to be “BOSSY” actually lack self confidence although they may not realise this.
6 I do not like it when people are not clear about what I say and ask me to repeat.
7. Effective leadership means to enable people to give the best of themselves rather than seek the best for themselves.
8. There is too much sex and violence on TV nowadays.
9. In my opinion it is healthy to freely discuss sex, bodily functions, intimacy, etc.
10. I find it difficult to stick to a diet, to quit smoking or change my habits.
11. In my opinion speed limits should be strongly enforced.
12. Parents tend to be too permissive nowadays.
13. I believe that absolute openness and honesty with others is possible.
14. In my opinion 95% of the important life decisions are based on feelings.
15. Too many persons nowadays allow others to push them around too much.
16. Although most people are not, I seem to be quite comfortable with a long period of silence.
17. I can recall situations where, as a child, older persons made me feel ashamed.
18. Sometimes children need corporal punishment for their own good.
19. We need more rather than less censorship on the movies, TV, magazines, etc.
20. Even with strangers, I seldom feel bored, impatient or lonely.
21. I know that sometimes I ought to eat and drink less than I do.
22. The good opinion of others is important to me.
23. My parents encouraged my exploring and learning things for myself.
24. I get uncomfortable when something unexpected happens.
25. Even when one feels life is not worth living, no one is justified in committing suicide.
26. I try to attend many courses, seminars, lectures, etc.
27. Sometimes I tell myself “shut up - you are talking too much”.
28. A remedy for the modern divorce situation would be to make the conditions for divorce more stringent so that marriage would be considered in a more serious light.
29. I seldom if ever, blush.
30. Most mistakes result from misunderstanding rather than carelessness.
31. Tense situations make me feel uncomfortable enough that I must do something.
32. Most youngsters would benefit from obligatory military service.
33. Many times I have had to change my strong convictions as a result of new information.
34. Humility is one of the virtues, perhaps the greatest one.
35. Loud noise seems to have replaced good music with the younger generation.
36. Experience is useful but in most instances it probably needs to be modified by new facts and information.
37. Marriages between people from different races or countries are headed for trouble.
38. All work and no play add up to a dull life and that is not the way I want to live.
39. Sometimes I hear myself say “I do not make the rules, I just follow them.”
40. You cannot change human nature.
41. I do not believe that there is such a thing as an unresolvable conflict between organisations or individuals.
42. Sometimes I get so discouraged that I want to run away.
43. Capital punishment should be re-introduced for certain crimes.
44. We should insist in Christianity being taught in all our schools.
45. Most decisions carry some consequences and I like to evaluate those consequences as closely as possible before making a decision.
46. I am concerned to have the approval of others.
47. I like to run things; be “Boss of the situation”; to take charge.
48. Even at social gatherings I find myself discussing work or gathering data from magazines and books.
49. Being a follower is not that easy but is better than being the leader.
50. I quickly become bored with situations.
51. I believe that society would be better off if the laws were more rigorously enforced.
52. I am not ashamed of my tears when I am sad enough to cry, even when others are around.
53. When I think people are wrong I say so.
54. I envy people who quit their careers in order to start a new life style.
55. I just cannot trust people like many seem to.
56. Even though there may be a standard approach to a situation, I like to figure out new ways.
57. I put things off until they can’t be put off any longer.
58. I am inclined to challenge others in discussion.
59. Most people are capable of sustained self-direction and control.
60. Things like working in the garden, swimming, sex and other forms of physical activities make me feel good all over.
61. I get angry or disgusted with someone I think is submissive or compromising.
END
Scoring of the PAC Scales

You score one point for each item you have answered with '+'.

Answers with '-' do not score. Items not answered do not score either.

Parent Parent Adult Child
Caring
Concerning
Nurturing Critical
Prejudicial
Over-demanding
Question Score Question Score Question Score Question Score
1 32 3 2
4 35 7 6
5 37 9 10
8 40 13 14
11 43 16 17
12 44 20 21
15 47 23 24
18 50 26 27
19 51 29 31
22 53 30 34
25 55 33 39
28 58 36 42
61 38 46
Parent subtotal Parent subtotal 41 49
45 54
48 57
52 60
56
59
Parent Total
(add subtotals together) Adult
Total Child
Total

Instructions for calculating your P-A-C profile

By plotting the score totals of Parent, Adult and Child on the personality diagram on this page and by connecting the established points, you will have your PAC Profile.

Parent Adult Child
16 16 12
14
14 10
12

12 8
10

8 10 6
6 8 5
4 6 3

Interpreting your P-A-C Profile

The biggest percentile score of the three scores indicates that ego state most used by you. If there is a difference of twenty or more on the percentiles scale between the highest score and the second highest this means that the highest scoring ego state is dominant for you. If there is less than 20% difference then there is a likelihood that there is switching back and forth between the two ego states of which phenomenon most persons are not consciously aware.

“We speak with our voices but we communicate with our whole .”

Non-verbal communication (NVC) occurs when we look at another person and they look at us. When a person speaks, the receiver tries to match the NVC with the words. If the verbal and non-verbal communications are congruent, we tend to relax, trust, believe, etc. If incongruent, we tend to distrust, doubt, suspect.

Types of non-verbal communication

Static: those factors which do not tend to change during the encounter

facial patterns physique
voice clothes
spectacles make-up, hair style

Dynamic: those factors which may change as the encounter continues

orientation distance
posture gesture
bodily movement bodily contact
gaze direction facial expression
tone of voice rate, amount and fluency of speech

Uses of non-verbal communication

The Expression of Emotion

The main agents of expressing emotion are:
 FACE - mouth, eyebrows, facial movement
 EYES - gaze, pupil dilation
 GESTURE, POSTURE AND TONE OF VOICE

Communication of Interpersonal Attitudes

We use NVC to show our attitude towards other people. We can demonstrate non verbally such attitudes as:
 AFFILIATION
 REJECTION
 SEXUAL ATTRACTION
 AGGRESSION
 DOMINANCE
 SUBMISSION

Women tend to be more effective at sending and receiving such information. We are generally accurate in knowing who likes and dislikes us, but we are not so good at recognising dominance or submissiveness.

Sending information about personality

In social behaviour, each person wants to advertise his own personality and receive information from others so that he can determine which social contacts are fruitful and which are to be avoided. We send information about:
 PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS - by stressing our better features
 ROLE AND SOCIAL POSITION - so that we can obtain a ''fit'' with other people we meet
 TRAITS - by demonstrating whether we are extrovert, dominant etc.

Support of verbal communication

i) The words spoken (CONTENT). The language carries information which may or may not be understood by the other person. Understanding will depend on both (ii) (iii).

ii) The “rules of the game” (ROLES). There are basic rules to follow - both people must speak in the same language, and there are less obvious rules like how far apart people should stand or the amount of eye contact. If the rules are broken, the communication can break down.

iii) The feelings involved (PROCESS). Each person has feelings during a conversation. Feelings of being ‘railroaded’ being bored, or being excited. Control and understanding of these emotions will benefit the success of communication.

Attitudes Communicated Non-Verbally

Attitude Actions Attitude Actions
Openness Open hands
Unbuttoned coat Cooperation Open hands
Sitting on edge of chair
Hand to face gestures
Unbuttoning coat
Tilted head
Defensiveness Arms crossed on chest
Legs over chair arm while seated
Sitting in armless chair reversed
Crossing legs
Fist-like gestures
Pointing index finger
Karate chops Reassurance Touching
Pinching flesh
Chewing pen/pencil
Thumb over thumb rubbing
Touching back of chairs entering room
Biting fingernails
Hands in pockets
Evaluation Hand to face gestures
Head tilted
Stroking chin
Peering over glasses
Taking glasses off - cleaning
Glasses earpiece in mouth
Pipe smoker gestures
Getting up from table - walking
Putting hand to bridge of nose Confidence Steepling
Hands in back-authority position
Back stiffened
Thumbs in coat pockets with thumbs out
Hands on lapels of coat
Suspicion
Not looking at you
Arms crossed
Moving away from you
Sideways glance
Feet/body pointing towards exit
Touch/rub nose
Rubbing eye(s)
Buttoning coat - drawing away Territorial dominance Feet on desk
Feet on chair
Leaning against/touching object
Placing object in a desired space
Elevating oneself
Cigar smoking
Hands behind head leaning back
Readiness Hands on hips
Hands on mid thigh when seated
Sitting on edge of chair
Arms spread gripping edge of table/desk
Moving closer
Sprinter's position Nervousness Clearing throat
‘Whew’ sound
Cigarette smoking
Picking/pinching flesh
Fidgeting in chair
Hands covering mouth while speaking
Not looking at the other person
Tugging at pants while seated
Jingling money in pockets
Tugging at ear
Wringing of hands